The resurrection

wishing for a coma

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 19:39:37 GMT

This sucks
It’s a city full of no one, a place where people come to be left alone, so when you find yourself a lonely person, and you are forced to be here, then you are fucked. I;m twenty one years old in a city which thrived in the 60s with its root beer drive-in stands and icecream parlors, the only real time when you are happy is when you are here raising a family, or growing up and going to grade school. As soon as you hit my age, you find that you either can stay and make a family, or you leave. There is no room in tis city for the young adults out here.
Now, I know a slow life. I grew up here, and I can count on my hand the number of times that I visited a friend’s house. I moved around many times during my childhood, so the extent of building friends was limited, and switching school systems left me with an inabuility to keep many friends. I built a small group of people around me to keep my social need satisfied, and I was in the band in highschool. All of my social life was brought to me, and I got used to it. I never needed to invite people over to my house, and in response, no one ever felt the need to invite me. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not the most normal person in the world, so I suspect, as was evident the few times I did invite people over, that I was just not well liked. I had social problems from not being around these people all of my life, like most of them had been from the time they began school, and so I was alienated, and believed it. I never really understood how to become accepted amoungst my peers, and so, now I sit here in front of my computer, thinking about my ceiling not being high enough to hang myself, and there being no tall buildings around to jump from. The only thing that keeps me from doing that stuff anyway is the grief it would cause my family. My friends would get over it and forget about me, but that’s the kind of thing that just sticks with a famliy. All of that self doubt and “couldn’t we have done something more” crap. I talk to a girl I like on a regular basis, but It seems to be more and more that I am just complaining about how big a loser I am, so it is upsetting to talk to her, seeing as I want her to have the best impression of me possible.
I’ve gotten out of the house a couple times, but only to find that there really aren’t that many people out there my age, and that it is supremely depressing that the only girls interrested in me are below the age of 18. Fuck life. Fuck people. Fuck me. Why do I have to be so pathetic about life? Why can’t I just be happy? There are plenty of people out there who have it worse. What a horrible and spoiled person I am that I can sit here in self pity. I hate myself. I could just jump out my window and hope glass shards cut a major artery. Would I bleed out before I felt the wounds? Injuries have a way of doing that, if they are severe. Some I don’t feel till hours later when the nerves catch up.
How embarasing to feel this way. To think there is nothing else out there for you. How dare I blame the people around me for my feelings when I am the one sitting in my room alone with the lights off. How can I expect anyone to pay attention to me? Am I really that rotten as to believe that there is no more to me than wanting to be catered to hand and foot? What the hell is wrong with me? I enjoy falling asleep at the end of the day because I feel a sence of acomplishment at having survived another day. What is the point of living then? Why do I feel like such shit? I’m sure its my own fault. There really is no one else to blame for me being sad.
But really, all these stories I get of people calling their friends to hang out, and that is what I need to do to have a social life. Why the fuck don’t I get even one call? Is that too much to ask for? The only calls I get are from my lonely dad, or Gary or Mom because they want some work done. The girl calls me, but she is at home with her boyfriend, and that plays on my mind the whole time. I live in a fucking hell, of my own design. This is all my fault, and it is too much for me to fix.
So I have to resort to sitting here and doing nothing, sliming my way over each day, until I get to go back to college. Its such a bright light at the end of the tunnel, that it seems too good to be true. I can’t focus on it because I can’t believe it. All of this feels like depression because I don’t have a girlfriend. I have had this feeling since freshman year of highschool, and it is how I live my life. Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I be happy with myself? Why am I such a loser? Fuck me. I’m just worthless, and spoiled, and selfish. No one should waste themselves on me.
~resigning to my cave of despair, to emerge sometime.
Chris

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 00:47:10 GMT

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 20:32:24 GMT

COMBAT CARDS 2.1

watch Chillerthescrnd fight

CREATE YOUR CARD

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 22:41:05 GMT

Isis

Honorable, straightforward and idealistic. Active and self-confident.

Colors: male: white, female: blue
Compatible Signs: Osiris, Thoth
Dates: Mar 11 - Mar 31, Oct 18 - Oct 29, Dec 19 - Dec 31

Role: Goddess of motherhood, women, and magic; goddess of the South; protector of Imseti (the son of Horus who watched over the canopic jar containing the liver)
Appearance: Woman wearing the hieroglyph for "throne" on her head

What is Your Egyptian Zodiac Sign?
Designed by CyberWarlock of Warlock's Quizzles and Quandaries

Noice

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 02:19:13 GMT

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

In March I gave laurishly a kidney (1000 points). In May I bought porn for ereams (10 points). In November I bought porn for tmigra (-10 points). Last Thursday on a flight to Pakistan, I stole the emergency flight information card (-40 points). Last Friday I gave bobdaferret a life-saving blood transfusion (50 points).

Overall, I've been nice (1010 points). For Christmas I deserve a new dolly!

Sincerely,
chillerthescrnd

DD

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 18:05:38 GMT

I Am A: Neutral Good Elf Ranger Bard

Alignment:
Neutral Good characters believe in the power of good above all else. They will work to make the world a better place, and will do whatever is necessary to bring that about, whether it goes for or against whatever is considered 'normal'.

Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.

Primary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.

Secondary Class:
Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit.

Deity:
Mielikki is the Neutral Good goddess of the forest and autumn. She is also known as the Lady of the Forest, and is the Patron of Rangers. Her followers are devoted to nature, and believe in the positive and outreaching elements of it. They use light armor, and a variety of weapons suitable for hunting, which they are quite skilled at. Mielikki's symbol is a unicorn head.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

Detailed Results:

Alignment:
Lawful Good ----- X (1)
Neutral Good ---- XXXX (4)
Chaotic Good ---- XX (2)
Lawful Neutral -- (0)
True Neutral ---- XXX (3)
Chaotic Neutral - (-1)
Lawful Evil ----- (0)
Neutral Evil ---- (0)
Chaotic Evil ---- XXX (3)

Race:
Human ---- (-4)
Half-Elf - XX (2)
Elf ------ XXXXXXX (7)
Halfling - (-5)
Dwarf ---- (0)
Half-Orc - XX (2)
Gnome ---- (-4)

Class:
Fighter - XX (2)
Ranger -- XXXXX (5)
Paladin - (-3)
Cleric -- (-1)
Mage ---- XXXX (4)
Druid --- XXX (3)
Thief --- (-9)
Bard ---- XXXXX (5)
Monk ---- XX (2)

YAY

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 01:30:46 GMT

You scored as Peter Pan. Your alter ego is Peter Pan. You are a child at heart. Anything you believe is possible, and you never want to grow up.

</td>

Peter Pan

100%

The Beast

75%

Sleeping Beauty

75%

Goofy

56%

Ariel

56%

Cinderella

56%

Cruella De Ville

56%

Pinocchio

50%

Snow White

31%

Donald Duck

19%

Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego?
created with QuizFarm.com

ss

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 03:38:38 GMT

Top Commenters on chillerthescrnd's LiveJournal

1	cest_la_ki	6
2	Anonymous	5
3	vernificus	4
4	miripanda	4
5	laurishly	2
6	the_photobard	1
7	zbladerunner	1

Total Commenters: 7
Total Comments: 23
Report generated 7/11/2006 11:37:13 PM by scrapdog's LJ Comment Stats Wizard 1.7

ddd

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 03:33:31 GMT

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

✓ I miss somebody right now.	✓ I don't watch much TV these days.	✓ I own lots of books.
✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses.	✓ I love to play video games.	× I've tried marijuana.
✓ I've watched porn movies.	✓ I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
✓ I curse sometimes.	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

* * * * *

✓ I have broken someone's bones.	✓ I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.	× I hate the rain.
✓ I'm paranoid at times.	× I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.	× I need/want money right now.
✓ I love sushi.	× I talk really, really fast.	× I have fresh breath in the morning.
× I have long hair.	× I have lost money in Las Vegas.	✓ I have at least one sibling.
× I was born in a country outside of the U.S.	× I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.	× I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
✓ I like the way that I look.	× I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.	× I am usually pessimistic.
× I have a lot of mood swings.	× I think prostitution should be legalized.	✓ I slept with a roommate. (well, in the same room)
✓ I have a hidden talent.	× I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.	× I have a lot of friends.
✓ I have pecked someone of the same sex. (yeah, family)	× I enjoy talking on the phone.	× I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
✓ I love to shop and/or window shop.	× I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.	× I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
✓ I have a mobile phone.	× I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.	✓ I've rejected someone before.
✓ I currently like/love someone.	× I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.	✓ I want to have children in the future.
✓ I have changed a diaper before.	× I've called the cops on a friend before.	× I'm not allergic to anything.
✓ I have a lot to learn.	× I am shy around the opposite sex.	✓ I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
✓ I have at least 5 away messages saved.	✓ I have tried alcohol or drugs before.	× I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
× I own the "South Park" movie.	× I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.	✓ I enjoy some country music.
✓ I would die for my best friends.	× I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.	× I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
✓ I think Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.	× I have dated a close friend's ex.	✓ I am happy at this moment.
× I'm obsessed with guys.	✓ Democrat.	× Republican.
× I don't even know what I am.	× I am punk rockish.	× I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
× I study for tests most of the time.	× I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.	✓ I can work on a car.
✓ I love my job(s).	✓ I am comfortable with who I am right now.	× I have more than just my ears pierced.
× I walk barefoot wherever I can.	× I have jumped off a bridge.	× I love sea turtles.
× I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.	✓ I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.	✓ I am proficient on a musical instrument.
✓ I hate office jobs.	✓ I went to college out of state.	× I am adopted.
✓ I am a pyro.	× I have thrown up from crying too much.	✓ I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
× I fall for the worst people.	✓ I adore bright colours.	× I usually like covers better than originals.
× I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.	✓ I can pick up things with my toes.	× I can't whistle.
✓ I have ridden/owned a horse.	✓ I still have every journal I've ever written in.	✓ I talk in my sleep.
× I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.	× I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.	× I wear a toe ring.
× I have a tattoo.	× I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.	× I am a caffeine junkie.
✓ I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.	× If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.	✓ I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
✓ I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.	✓ I'm an artist.	× I am ambidextrous.
× I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.	× If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.	× I have terrible teeth.
× I hate my toes.	✓ I did this meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.	× I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
× I have lived in either three different states or countries.	✓ I am extremely flexible.	✓ I love hugs more than kisses.
✓ I want to own my own business.	× I smoke.	× I spend way too much time on the computer than on anything else.
✓ Nobody has ever said I'm normal.	✓ Sad movies, games, and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.	✓ I am proficient in the use of many types of firearms and combat weapons.
× I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.	✓ I don't like it when people are unpleased or seem unpleased with me.	✓ I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
× I have played strip poker with someone else before.	✓ I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.	✓ I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
✓ I can't stand being alone.	✓ I have at least one obsession at any given time.	× I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
✓ I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.	× I'm a judgmental asshole.	× I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
× I have travelled on more than one continent.	× I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.	× I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
× I am a Libertarian.	✓ I can speak more than one language.	× I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
× I would rather read than watch TV.	× I like reading fact more than fiction.	✓ I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
✓ I have no piercings.	× I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.	× I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried.
× I once spent Christmas completely alone because there was a miscommunication on which parent was supposed to have me that night.	× There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it.	× I like most animals better than most people.
✓ I own a collection of retro games consoles.	× The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver.	✓ I have hit someone with a dead fish.
✓ I am compulsively honest.	× I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired.	× I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers.
× I have gone from wishing I was a girl to revelling in being a boy to feeling like a girl again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex.	× I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders.	× I sometimes won't sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to.
× I find it impossible to get to sleep without some kind of music on.	× I dislike milk.	× I obsessively wash my hands.
✓ I always carry something significant around with me.	× Sometimes I'd rather wear a wig in day-to-day life than use my own hair.	× I've pushed myself to become more self-aware and thereby more aware of others.
× Even though I live on my own I still cry sometimes because I miss my mother.	× I hand wrote all the HTML tags in this document.	✓ I've liked something which a majority of people claimed was either bad or weird.
× I have been clinically dead for a brief period of time.	× Instead of feeling sympathy/empathy with people and their problems, I simply become annoyed.	✓ I participate/have participated in auto drag races and won.
× I do not 'get' most comedy acts.	× I don't think strippers are money-greedy or slutty for dancing.	× I don't like to chew gum.
× I am obsessed with history/historical things and can't wait for someone to build a time machine so I can be the first to use it.	× I can never remember for the life of me where I parked the car.	× I had the TEEN ANGST thing going for at least 2-3 years.
× I wish people would be more empathic and honest with each other.	× I play Dungeons and Dragons weekly.	✓ I love to sing.
× I want to live in my mother's basement when I grow up.	✓ I have a custom-built computer.	× I want to create a certain someone's babies, even though there's a 0% possiblity of ever achieving it.
✓ I would be in a relationship with one of my pets if they were human.	× I've gone skinny-dipping.	✓ I've performed in three plays.
✓ I enjoy burritos.	× I'm Irish and loving it.	✓ I have a thing for redheads.
× I am a twin!	× Most of the times, I'd rather do something intellectual instead of doing something generically 'fun'.	✓ Once I set out to finish something, I always stay at it until it is completed before I move on to something else.
× I wish there were a way to erase past mistakes.	× I sleep more than 12 hours a day.	✓ I wish I could be prouder of what I've accomplished, but it's never enough.
× I need more time to myself.	× I wish I was more open-minded.	× I hope that I go really prematurely grey.
✓ I download songs from the internet.	× I've just reenacted chapter 58 of Death Note with my best friend.	✓ I say random things to freak people out.
× I'm still a little mad about the ending of Death Note.	✓ I love playing Truth or Dare.	× I love listening to slow music, but I hate singing to it.
✓ Music helps me remember that I am not alone.	× Playing my favorite sport makes me temporarily forget my problems.	✓ I think this survey is particularly long.
× I prefer my LJ friends to my real-life ones.	× I can only hate someone that I love.	× I've ordered an extra two shots of espresso to an Americano at Starbucks.

Independence

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 03:36:58 GMT

OUTS,
Iceman

Sun, 14 May 2006 04:53:02 GMT

If You Were in an RPG What Roll Would You Play???

You're the Hero!!! You had an average life until destiny chose you to save the world. You are kind and unselfish. You can be kind of corny at times but you mean every word you say. You're not perfect but when you do screw up you're willing to admit it and do whatever it takes to make things right again. You don't let the Villain's taunts and threats get to you. No matter what happens, you never lose track of your goal and won't give up until evil is defeated.
Take this quiz!

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Wed, 10 May 2006 04:10:36 GMT

Grade Ref Num CCN Ses Time Day(s) Instructor

B 081111 MAP2302 1 10:00 - 10:50 M W F WILBERSCHEID,DOUGLAS

A 081317 MUN2140 1 12:30 - 14:00 T R SOUTHALL,JOHN,K

A 081326 MUN2710 1 14:00 - 15:30 M W SOUTHALL,JOHN,K

A 081332 MUT1111 1 11:00 - 12:15 M W SOUTHALL,JOHN,K

A 081343 MVK1111 1 08:00 - 08:50 M W PIERPOINT,PAULA,J

ever wonder

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 23:53:05 GMT

Ever wonder what the world would be like if things were easier? Like, if decisions were made by informed individuals who had purely your interrest and future in mind, for them to have the power to do so, and for you to never be able to argue about it? Sounds to me like being three again with (hopefully) good parents. But as I get older (20 being older) I find that even though the idea of not having to take responsibility for the things I decide to do is extremely apealing, I guess there is just a point in life where I have to man up to what I have to do. But really, what do I have to do? Is going back to Oberlin the thing that will benefit me most? Should I take another year and get my AA at Indian River Community College, where, admitedly, though it is one of the most respected community colleges in the US, is no where near the caliber of Obelrin. Am I just being lazy, or am I afraid of failing again? All my reasons that I am banking on for my choices are based on the emotional side of me, which is a big side and I'm nto really able to ignore it, bring that I am a big softie and everyone knows it. I'm embarrased by actions that I have made at Oberlin, and wish fro them to be forgeotten, because there is someone up there who I think is worth while to get to know, but I think I have ruined it. Jill seems to be coming around and warming up the the idea of me being back here, but I have no clue if that is a good idea to get back into a relationship with the person who caused all this to potentially have to go throug it all over again. Really, I'm just scared, and I don't like my options. Give up my education to stay near the seemingly only person who has ever been interrested in having a relationship with me or do I go ahead into the broad world and see if I can get lucky again on a whim, because it seems more and more that is all love is. But I have no idea. I'm 20 and the world says I'm an adult, but I'll be damned if I feel any different than 18 or even 16. I'm still me, its just the world's opinion of my status that has chenged. Does that mean that I have to conform to it and decide that "this is the time I need to begin to live life as an adult and give up things, make hard choices, and in the end of the day hope that everything will turn out well?" I'm lost, I'm embarrased, I'm scared, and I have to make some life altering choices. Truthfully, the way my life goes depends majorly on the things I have to decide in the next little portion of my life. How unfair is that? How much pressure can I take, and for what result? So that I can show everyone that I was at Oberlin. I just don't know folks. Either choice is painful and sacrificial. The only thing it comes down to is what is right, and what is easy. I'm just afraid of losing the only love I have ever known, just so I can go off and "try new things" to see if I can make a good life for myself. How unjust. How unfair. How difficult. Help.

Sincerely,
A man apart,
Chris

Red

Sat, 15 Apr 2006 00:18:41 GMT

mmm...red. A nice color when it is not describing your skin after a day at the beach. If I were from the north, I'd start complaining about the burn and how I can't do anything. But down here, its common enough you get used to it, so bring on the aloe every half hour and I'll have a nice even tan in no time flat. In other news, I find that life goes by a lot faster when you have little to no down time. Now, all of that can't be work, and I like most of it to be play, but as long as I'm not sitting on my ass doing nothing, I'm very happy. In other news, it seems hard to find a girl to date. Not that there is a lacking of pretty -gorgeous girls at the college, but none of them seem remotely interrested in anything but either studying or partying all the time. Add to that the fact that it is damn near impossible to schedule anything with the ones who are interrested, because I seem to have a strange attraction to the girls who are extremely active, leaving little room for down time. Another factor is that it takes about 30 minutes and lots of gas to get to them, so I just seem to have to suffice with being happy thatt I make friends quickly, and just hang with them, leaving the serious stuff till I get back to a place where I can more easily socialize (Oberlin, where everything and everyone is around the corner.) I also hear in recent news that a dear friend of mine has met some drunk smoochin with success. Hoorah sir, I salute you. It won't be very long (me being at Oberlin) befre October 28th, my 21st BIRTHDAY and we will have much fun and celebration. Hey, could you guys do me a favor and add more friends (ie. tell my friends) about this journal? Like tedly and Shalani and on and on. (Sam too)

I'm out for now.
Chris

entertained

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 21:40:56 GMT

GUYS!?!? What has happened to the communication network? I go on LJ 3 times a day to see if anything new has happenned, and guess what? IT HASN'T! no one is posting! I have nothing to read! nothing to do! Lauren, you said you are in love with LJ, but I have yet to see an update :) maybe its just spring break fever. I seand messages just saying hi on IM and no one will say hi back. You don't even have to say hi. Just say, look I'm doing hw, get the f**k out of my face or whatever. I just hate feeling like I'm invisible. I'm not! I know because they always catch me naked in the girl's lockeroom despite all my tried to be invisible! So stop pretending you can't see me, and if you have no time, just type asoihgo;ihsd and press enter. It takes less than a second. I know all you guys are literate enough to do that much :). And what is happening in all of your lives? I hear nothing about it, and I'm curious. Not to mention that I am COMPLETELY bored, why? because NO ONE WILL ANSWER THEIR IMS SO THAT I CAN SCHEDULE THINGS TO DO :) (I'm not upset, but I will get annoyed if this keeps up for, say , 5 months) I mean, there was an art show today, and a car show in the same area. Who couldn't love to go to both, if not just to see the other? talk about cultural balance. Anyway, get off your asses and write a fool. I'm here and listening :)

Peace out,
Chris

it seems the only days worth writting about are bad ones

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 05:06:57 GMT

Long (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! I let my windows install some updates, and it WONT SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT RESTARTING I just want to play a game or something, and there is no way to tell windows, which seems to be acting like a spoiled child to STOP BOTHERING ME FOR A SECOND I WILL RESTART THE DAMN COMPUTER WHEN I WANT TO YOU DON;T HAVE TO KEEP ON INTERRUPTING ME ABOUT IT I KNOW I HAVEN'T RESTARTED YET AND IF YOU ASK ONE MORE TIME I'LL UNINSTALL YOU!!) {the computer interrupted me after "long"} That is just the way this day has been going. I try to make things happen properly and keep as little stress as possible, but it never works out that way.

This morning, I had to get up and be ready by 9:00, which ia tough considering that I need more sleep anyway and my parents keep me up late for family time and chores. (I'm sure I'd be a perfect early riser if I was able to get enough sleep on a regular basis to warent not being tired in the morning; typing this entry is probably not helping matters.) *sigh* Lets just leave it at that I had a bad day and was late for a concert in order to hemm my pants for the concert. That was just the icing. Ever notice when you are having a bad time, how all the other things in your life you try to not hink about surface and make you EVEN worse off? well, that happened too, adding to the fact that I was dehydrated and hungry, and the only person who would actually care enough to help me with those things and knew me well enough to remind me of them... well ... ancient history my friends, and the only reason it even came to my attention is because of my day of sinking into sadness. And, as a side note, there is only one person who IMs me on a regular basis, and not even necissarily that long, just saying hi. It does mean a lot to me to have people care enough to type hi into an IM and send it, even if just to walk away. Thanks Ana. Don't send me a hi if you feel bad. I don't want pity, but if you happen to see my name on your list, which I'm always on and you know it, idk. It's just nice to be noticed every once in a while. Nice to have someone call you adorable despite your huge tallness :) (thx for that)

Just know I apreciate greatly being contacted and spending time with people. Remember, its tough down here when I can't just go home and have friends there.

Goodnight guys,
sleep well

lonely because I care,
Chris

Lonestar, the lonely lonesome guy

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 06:29:29 GMT

Heaven’s waiting room?

It sure feels like it. I mean, all of life seems to be that way lately. If I just sit on my ass, I don’t have friends who come home and I get to talk to them. I have to go out and make “play dates” with people from school in order to have any sense of a normal social life around here. I guess you just don’t understand the little things. Who would have thought I wouldn’t realize that having people come home to you every day (parent’s don’t count. They are the best things in the world, but its really not the same as having a group of friends come and spend time with you every day. Without you having to really strain for the effort of getting to them. I had to drive a half an hour on the interstate to get to hang out with friends, because they were at the dorm of the community college I ‘m going to. (it’s kind of taxing on the gas too, and I really need to get a job to start supporting my driving habit, or find a way to get it for free. Guess which one I think I’ll have more luck with.
Joy of my life today. When I packed up to leave Oberlin, I just shoved everything into my suitcase and left. I was avoiding the inevitable confrontation with two years worth of relationship memorabilia that had collected at school. Well, today was the day that it had to get sorted through, which ruined my day. Not so much that I missed that little heart breaking bitch, but that I was painfully reminded that I don’t have someone who would write those wonderful letters to me. (I found the letter from our first anniversary) All of those things are safely hidden in the closet in my box of everything I kept from growing up, only to be seen again when I am about 30 or 40, and my kids ask about my childhood.
It seems I have no problem attracting a girl’s attention, but you either don’t want it, or the girl gets all…girl like about it, a.k.a. confusingly irrational. Tom keeps on insisting that this is only bothering me because I’m rebounding, but I still hold that there are some girls I could have been with if all I wanted was to be with a girl, so I don’t think that is the problem. I just think I’m truly lonely, between losing a very good friend in Jill, and then getting shucked back to purgatory and losing my friends being around me.
Matt, I found out what happens when people just say the truth to another person. They take it very seriously. In a Valentine’s Day letter I sent Brittany, I told her the story about seeing her in church. I saw it as a story that would just make someone happy to know. Instead, I got back that she had read deeply into the meaning of what I had said (statements meant for face value) and decided that I was making some immortal statement of commitment and adoration. And so, she wasn’t able to deal with that kind of thing at this point. I’m sitting here, like “what kind of thing?” “I sent you a letter in the spirit of the holiday, and you get all…figurative on my ass.” Needless to say, I’m still a little confused over the whole thing. After that reception, I dreaded the arrival of the trinket I bought her, fearing she would take it as a wedding proposal, and haven’t heard from her since. I haven’t tried that hard, seeing as I’m…not really sure what happened to begin with. The most confusing statement I got was that she felt that the card I sent was all about me, and not about her. Cryptic to say the least and I have no idea how to decode, so I guess the next move is hers. (I think I just broke some kind of grammar rule with that last sentence, but who is really checking?)
And so, I’m back to where I’ve always been, with the older ladies telling me what a doll I am, and wondering how I could possibly be single, while the girls my age are keeping a far distance from me.
On a lighter note, I’m finding that I like stage work. I just got finished with playing in the pit orchestra for the musical Bye Bye Birdie (Think “Put on a Happy Face”) and now I’m getting ready to be in the chorus for The Merry Widow (in English), and Madame Butterfly (in Italian). It’s just exhilarating to be out singing in front of people and acting like a different person. Maybe that’s my draw to the stage, is that I could not be me for a little while, and be someone else. I feel I’m rather adept at it, so I might just have to try and see if I can do more of it.
I miss all of you guys, and feel I’m not talking with you as much as I’d like to. Drop me a line or something. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.

Your friend,
Chris

poem 2

Sun, 06 Nov 2005 21:18:19 GMT

After

There are things in this world
That are not felt but at rare times
One of them being love

Its not the lust of human bodies
Or the time at the theater when you were bad
Or any of the things you do

It is not jealousy
It is not anger
It is not happiness

It is a whisper

A hint of a feeling
In the center of your soul
That is only felt
When you strip everything else
Away.

Doubt is its enemy
Anger its ally
Violence its circumstance
And faith its foundation

But none of these are love itself

You feel happy from love
But love is not happy

Love is pain
Love is torture
Love is hard

But love is what we need
More than anything in the world

What I want to believe is that
Love conquers all
It is hard to see with all
Of the sadness in the world

Unless you understand
That the sadness is of
And from the love

And so it is hard to have
But we must have it
And it will never go away

Because with love
We find ourselves
I can’t give up love
I can’t forget it

The only thing I can do
Is feel it
When all the rest of my emotions
Have run their course

I feel it after the anger
After the sorrow
After the tears
After the dreams
After the violence
After the dancing

After the break-up
After the loss
After the gain

And yet after all of that
I still feel
And there is only one name
One thought
One idea
Nothing left
But Jill.

A man apart and incomplete,
C. B. Elrod

Sorry

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 04:34:53 GMT

The time we spend finding the reasons why we are here and what we are supposed to be doing is such an infinite struggle that there is little room to be doing what we want to do. Is there a point in everyone’s life that we distain the talks with our parents, because we are just going to be ragged on for everything we are doing wrong, and mostly for the things we already know are wrong? I mean, there is little that I couldn’t have figured out about what I am doing wrong, but I don’t know how to fix it. But I really do. I know how to fix it, but the actual path to fixing it is so hard to get through, and sometimes it is much more rewarding to fail at something and be able to say that you could have done it if you had tried harder, than to fail at something you had been preparing for a long time, then find out that you just aren’t good enough to do it. I guess I’m just afraid of committing to something that I could fail at. Is it really that abnormal to try avoiding failure? Obviously, the failures I have at school are not ones that bother me so much, because I know that I never have put forth the greatest effort in any subject that I could have. I enjoy the work, but I fear failure so much, not bad grades; I could care less about such a system of percentages, but actual failure, a time when you do your best, and it isn’t good enough.
I have had a failure recently that has been an actual failure. Recently, my girlfriend and I split up. She was a freshman in high school when I was a senior, and I was, lets say, her “dream guy.” The one she thought she could never have, until I asked her out, and we started the most wonderful time I have ever had in my life. I put all of myself into making her happy and giving her everything she ever wanted. One of my friends here at college said that I was the nicest person to my girlfriend that she had ever seen in a relationship. We realized, at the end of my senior year, at least it hit us more closely, that I would have to go on into the world while she stayed in high school, till she finished. It was then when the first blow came and we had to decide that we would go our ways and still keep in touch so that we would be able to get back together when I was home.
She met a guy during the second month of me being at school, and I had nowhere to turn. I was upset, to say the least, but when I got home for fall break, she was so excited to see me that she dumped him, and dedicated the rest of the year to me, and we had our long distance relationship. I, of course, went home for winter term, and had the time of my life learning organ and spending time with her. The rest of the year went by just fine, and we had a phenomenal summer full of horse riding and water parks and theme parks in Florida. (I did a total on my bank account and found that I had spent around $2,500 on her that summer.) Every night while I was away, we called each other, and that was how we kept in touch, along with the occasional letter that would pass between us when we had more romantic and old fashion things to say, other than how our days had gone, and what teacher was being so unfair with the surprise quiz and what not.
So when I came back to college for the second year, I was feeling rather good. I seems though, that feeling wasn’t what it seemed. She began to feel like I had left her behind again, and then started feeling trapped. Trapped in her town, trapped without being able to drive, and trapped for being in a long distance relationship with a college boy, who wouldn’t be able to be with her for another three or so years. And so, inadvertently, she began to chat on IM with one of the kids from her school, someone who could relate with her, because he was in her world. Here is where the story gets fuzzy for me, because she never really did illuminate the extent for which she went with this guy, but I do know they talked for three to four hours a day at night, when she told me that she was not able to sleep. I also found out that she had gone a couple of places with her. So basically, she cheated on me.
Around the week of mid-terms is when I began to hear unrest in her voice about our relationship. I stayed up until four in the morning, convincing her that despite her not talking much to me, and seeming feigning interest in the daily activities I told her about each night, that I still loved her more than anyone could love someone, and that I believed, as I so, that she was not only the savior of my virginity, but of my being. I had put everything I am, was, and even things I was going to be, into the relationship that we had. All I has asked for were these few years of torment for being apart, in exchange for a life of love and care and as much happiness as I could possibly provide. I stayed up, and for the rest of the week, I was worried and depressed, because she was having trouble sleeping, and I could do nothing to help. I failed three of my four mid terms, and went home in the hopes that I could be with her, and re-establish my studying so that I could make up for the mistakes I had made that week.
When I get home, I go and see her, and take her to my house, where we have a nice dinner, and she goes home, being so tired that she falls asleep in my lap while watching a movie. I get her home, and then go back home myself, to get some rest. The next morning, when I go to get her, I’m standing in here house while she gets dressed, and her brother walks up to me and says that it is so weird, that last night she was on the computer for about three hours talking to someone on IM. I press her about it on the way to my house and find that she was talking to this guy online, and that she had not been able to get to sleep. After a long chat, I resign that I can’t give her the conversations she wants because she and I are just not in the same place, so it is harder to relate daily goings on. But while we are sitting in my room, she divulges that she might want to go home early that night, so that she could talk to him.
It was at this point that I stood up and took her home, seeing as I was no longer the first man in her mind. I was crushed to say the least, and spent the next three days in deep sorrow, along with the hurricane that hit us. She, in the mean time, was out with this guy and going to the beach, and having what seemed to be a splendid time compared to what I was doing, which comprised of sitting in front of the television, watching cartoons and barely being able to eat a piece of toast. I lost weight over fall break. Finally, when I head back, after my birthday, which was on that Friday after this incident, I was staying in a Motel 8 in Beckley West Virginia when I decided that maybe if I could be there for her, she would love me again, but when I called her and asked her if I were to come home, and go to college with her; just take a couple years off, if she would rather be with me, to which she replied “no.”
So you see, the product of the only thing in life I have ever put a full effort into, was taken from me, and I utterly failed. Never the less, it is expected of me by my parents and peers that I should be able to lift myself up and get out dating again. The trouble is, I still love her. More than the first day I met her, more than I every have, and I wish and pray every day that she would come back to me. But she hasn’t, and might never. The one thing in life I cared enough about to give my one hundred percent on, failed. I failed, not my resolve, not my methods, but me. I failed.
So how the hell am I expected to just rise from the ashes on this one? Who in the world is able to tell me that I am able to get on with my life and have no repercussions from this? Some say I was whipped. I might have been, and probably was, but my full heart was in it, and every part of me said it was worth it. Every part of me told me that it would work out. I forgave more things from her, because of her age and maturity, than a priest could forgive at confession. I loved more than my heart could hold. I gave of everything I had to make her happy. And in the end, all I did, was fail. So excuse the fuck out of me if it takes me a little time to get over it and be able to get back into the flow of life. I could do it faster, but putting my whole self into something is a little hard to do, when the one time I did it, I failed. Sorry I disappoint you.

first

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 23:35:42 GMT

Hey everyone! Welcome to my new journal! Post if ya know me